Fatherhood – A New Set of Eyes

I haven’t written in a while.  I may be starting again.  Amariah is only this age for one day.

I was walking across the Berea field the other night and stood in awe of the Big Dipper.  I was in awe, not because stars are amazing, or because it is one of the only constellations I know, but because my daughter is able to see it.  Not only will she be able to see it, but I will be able to teach her about it (“Amariah, this is the Big Dipper, it has seven stars, and…um…”).  Not only will I be able to teach her about it, but she can ask me questions.  I may not have many answers on the topic of constellations, but I can’t wait to see how her mind works, and what interests her.

This has made everything in the world infinitely more interesting to me.  We drive past a cow farm several times a week.  I usually don’t even notice them, because I stopped caring about cows a long time ago.  Now I can’t wait to bring Amariah to a farm, explain how milk works, and hear her “moo” for the first time.  I want to know, does she like cows?  Does she prefer horses?  Why?  Learning what will make her mind tick is so exciting to me.  There is so much she has to learn.  I cannot wait to be apart of teaching her Bible stories, food appreciation, animal behavior and classification, film criticism, and why spellcheck doesn’t think her name is real.

I have always loved to teach, but there is something truly incredible about being given a child that you love beyond measure, that you get to teach for the rest of your life.

Other posts on the topic of fatherhood can be found here.

Best “Crazy” Covers

Covers are a tricky thing.  Usually the only songs people want to cover are ones that were awesome to begin with.  What more can someone add to a great song?  The answer is usually, “not much.”  However, I’ve found that really great songs can still sound great under the care of many different artists.  ”Crazy,” originally by Gnarls Barkley, is an amazing song.  I haven’t been able to stop listening to it since I first heard it in my car while driving through Boston.   I’m not alone in loving it, as every hip artist has thrown their hat in the ring with a cover of the song.  I’ve slowing been collecting my favorites for you to enjoy.

 

5, The Kooks – I haven’t warmed up totally to their voice yet, but I love the guitar arrangement.  

4. Violent Femmes – I love the slower tempo and melodies that the Femmes bring to this version.  

3. Jimmy Chaos – I have always loved the violin.  There is so much emotion and passion that an artist can show with that instrument.  This dude nails the song on a violin.  I only wish I could hear it without the background track.

2. Gnarls Barkley – Is it considered a cover if it’s your song?  Since it’s on the list, I’m voting, “yes!”  

1. Ray Lamontagne – Ray is my favorite singer right now.  

Cat Power also has a pretty epic version, but the added vulgarity caused me to dump her from the list.

Fatherhood – What Goes Wrong?

Here I am sitting at the relative eve of the birth of my first child.  My amazing daughter, Amariah, will be leaving the comforts of a womb in just a few weeks.  By far the biggest emotion I am feeling right now is excitement.  Sure, there are a million things I’m worried about (I’ve been a worrier for decades, that million number is not an exaggeration).  Sure, my life will never be the same again.  Sure, I won’t get nearly as much sleep as I’ve grown accustomed to over the years.  Blah, blah, blah…  When it comes down to it.  I just can’t wait to hold the little thing.  I can’t wait to hear her voice.  I can’t wait to teach her about sharks.  I can’t wait to share life with a daughter.

I’m sure I’m in the upper percentile of fathers when it comes to excitement, but I feel like most fathers are excited about the children they have helped bring into the world.  Almost every father I have ever talked to has shared with me how amazing it was to hold their child for the first time.  With joy in their eyes they have told me how memorable all of the baby’s firsts were for them.  

What happens after that?  Why do so many fathers leave their families?  Why would so many teens and adults say that they do not have a good relationship with their fathers?  What happens between excitement and reality?  Is it just because men are selfish and get tired of caring for another person?  Do they leave or check out of fathering because they cannot get along with the mother?  Do men not feel needed in a family?  I’m guessing it could be parts of all of those.   It is heartbreaking to think that the love and attention a child receives from their father at birth will not be there the rest of their lives.  

I really need to believe that the excitement and passion for fatherhood can be maintained.  I need to believe that for my own life because I want my daughter to have a great relationship with me when she’s 5, 20, or 35.  I also need to believe it for my country.  Can the epidemic of fatherlessness be reversed?  Are there things we can do that can encourage and coach other fathers to stay on the right track?  We really could change the world if we can effectively  reinvent fatherhood.  I am really excited about this burden that has been placed on my heart.  I’m blogging about it for people to hold me accountable.

You can read other posts on fatherhood, here.

Fatherhood – Do We Need to be Providers?

I’ve been blogging a bit lately on fatherhood.  As a father who is about to get more hands on (when my daughter is born) it is topic that is consuming much of my thoughts these days.  Here’s something I’ve been thinking about:  Is it time to reevaluate the idea of fathers being the providers?

Is there a reasonable person alive who has ever said, “sure my dad was awful to me and he was never around, but at least he bought me a car when I was in high school!”  Of course not!  Provison without intention is almost meaningless.  When you look back on your life, the physical things you were given don’t seem that important.  At 25 does it matter if you had new clothes or hand-me-downs when you were 10?  When you’re 40 does it matter if your family had a summer home when you were 15?  Probably not.  What will still matter is who your father was, how he raised you and the ways he invested in your life.  Money cannot buy that.  Only time and intentionality can earn it.  

Why then do so many men lose themselves in their work?  I’m sure it can range from a true desire to support a family, all the way to a desire to hide from the responsibilities that fatherhood brings.  Regardless of the motivation, it is a common trait in men.  But, is it worth it?  What’s the point of financing a child we don’t see grow up?  Ultimately, time investments are the only kind that can payoff down the road.  

Do I think fathers should not be the providers?  No, I plan on being the primary financial provider in my family.  As much as I love babies, I am more than grateful that my wife is the only person in the marriage that can pop them out.  As much as possible, I hope to have a parent with our children as they are growing up.  It makes more sense for me to be the guy who will provide the means for that to be possible.  I also agree that there are opportunities for children that can only be possible with money.  What I am saying is that the idea of men getting buried in their work so they can afford to have one room for each of their children seems less valuable than whether or not a father can read a book to those children every night.  I think a child would rather have a pair a shoes and a father to walk beside him or her, than a car they can drive by themselves (even if they don’t realize it at the time).  

I’ll leave you with something I found at fatherhood.org:

DAD

is a verb.

like catch and hug and listen.

it is not just something you are.

it is something you do.

like laugh and read and play.

are you doing anything more important?

have you been a dad today?

For other things I’ve written on fatherhood, click here.

Fatherhood – What Can We Do?

I blogged a few days ago about some of my frustrations with how expecting fathers are treated. While the woman certainly does almost all of the work during pregnancy, once the child is in the world, both mother and father each represent 50% of the child’s parents. There is not enough father prep during pregnancy, or after it.

Why is that frustrating me? Because we are in the middle of a fatherless epidemic, that we are only making worse. At least 1 out of every 3 children grow up in a fatherless home. Even if people don’t grow up without a father many people have had some bad dads (abusive or absent are two common ones). It’s gotten so bad that women are starting to talk themselves into thinking they would be better off raising kids on their own. It’s hard to blame them after decades of failure on our part. When there is a increasingly dwindling chance that they can find a father for their child, and a maintaining desire to be a mother, what options are there?

What are the consequences of raising a child without a father? (Remember these are generalizations). Here are some facts on the result fatherless homes have on children:

-168% more likely to have a child out of marriage

-92% more likely to end their own marriage

-72% of all teenage pregnancies are from children of single parent homes

-71% of all high school dropouts are from single parent homes

-75% of all teenage suicides are from teens that are from single parent homes

What are we to do? Women, you need to be more supportive of fatherhood. Here are some sad facts on women, only 11% of mothers value their husband’s input when it comes to handling problems with their kids. Teachers and doctors rated 45%, and close friends & relatives rated 16%. I’m beginning to wonder is the stranglehold that women have on parenting is contributing to men being squeezed out of the picture. If more women were expecting men to be fathers, would we rise to the occasion? I think men may be feeling unnecessary when it comes to parenting. If we are smart enough to realize how needed they are, we need to start treating them that way.

Men, we need to step up. We are failing the children we have created. There needs to be a change. There needs to be more programs designed for fathers and more men mentoring each other in that area. A good father cannot just be a man who raises good kids, but a man who can also raise his sons to be good fathers. The burden for men who are doing that is that in addition to raising their own families, they need to be lighting fires under other men as well. It can be done, because it needs to be done.

Blankets Review

I just finished rereading Craig Thompson’s Blankets for the fifth time.  It’s one of my favorite stories of all time.  It’s also a graphic novel.  That alone will scare away a majority of people.  Their idea of pictures and words is still filled with cheap 4-color superhero comics from the ’60s.  They are missing experiencing tales that are just as powerfully told as any film, song, or book.  

Blankets is a coming of age autobiography that deals with the author’s faith, family and first love in just under 600 pages of beautifully drawn panels.  I connect with this story because there is so much of it that I relate to.  (Since almost every reviewer says the same thing, I’m guessing that shows how universal his storytelling is).  The way Craig represents brotherly rivalry, childhood, divorce, church, love, and siblings with special needs rings so true.  Even if there are no parts of Craig’s life that mirrors yours, he expresses them so well, that I cannot imagine how someone could not connect with it.  

The relationship between Craig and his brother, Phil, is nailed perfectly in Blankets.  As a brown haired male myself with a younger blond brother who I shared a room with I completely understood where Craig was coming from.  The mix of companionship and hatred that an older brother can feel towards his sibling is hard to explain sometimes. However, Thompson seems to have no problem expressing it flawlessly.  The joy the brothers share in exploring their backyard to the loneliness of their first night in separate rooms are all remembered in pitch-perfect nostalgia.  

Thompson really has a mastery of graphic storytelling.  He weaves a lot of symbols and themes throughout his art.  His panels seem to effortlessly switch from reality to fantasy to flashbacks without ever confusing the reader.  I included a great example of this below.  It a scene where Craig is sharing a memory of his childhood.  That scene could not be done in any other media.  A novel would not be able to show the reality/fantasy swaps, or if it tried it would be awkward.  A film would be too messy or confusing if it tried to do it as well.  Our minds can handle abrupt transitions in between panels easier than it can in between film frames.  

Why is it called Blankets?  There are three blankets that play heavily in the story.  The first is the blanket that Craig and Phil share in their bed growing up.  It is a source of both companionship (when they use it in their various games) and also contention (as they argue over how much of the blanket they each should have).  The second blanket is the one made for Craig by his girlfriend, Riana.  It ends up being his only comfort as they relationship goes long-distance.  The last blanket is the blanket of snow that covers his Michigan town throughout the story.  It represents both the beauty an oppression he feels in his teenage years.  Ultimately Blankets is about how Craig learns to no longer rely on each of the blankets in his life. 

As a Christian, I can’t ignore his reaction to faith.  Craig grew up very committed to his faith.  I haven’t met too many young children that appear to have the same Biblical foundation that he has.    Unfortunately his questions were.  In addition to that, he saw tremendous hypocrisy in the lives of other Christian teens and was rejected by them at every opportunity.  The most heartbreaking panel of the entire novel is when he says, “something about being rejected at church camp felt so much more awful than being rejected at school.”  I can’t argue with the decision d Craig made to leave his faith.  It is his choice and there were a number of factors that contributed to it.  As a man who works at a “church camp” I see his abandonment of Christianity as a challenge to me.  What can I do to make sure the “Craig” who come each weekend don’t leave feeling abandoned and neglected?

5 Places I Can’t Wait to Take My Daughter

These posts are always popular, and there are only so many weeks until my daughter is born.  Therefore, here’s another!  One of the most exciting things about becoming a father is having a chance to see the world through a fresh set of eyes, eyes that I’m 50% responsible for.  Showing Amariah her first lake, or beach, or city is going to be so cool.  Here are the 5 places I can’t wait to take her:

5.  Movie Theater – I’m a film fan.  When a movie does everything right, there are few experiences that can compare.  I’m pumped to be the guy sitting next to Amariah when the lights go out in a theater for the first time.  Since she will only be allowed to see Pixar movies, maybe we will see Newt together in 2012 for her third birthday (although I’m not sure if I’d want her to be older first).

 

4. Library - Reading is so important.  As a parent (if my Early Childhood Education degree taught me anything) is one of the most important things you can do with your child to prepare them for life.  There’s no better way for a poor parent to open up their child’s eyes to the world of literature than with a library card.  Dr. Seuss, Maurice Sendek, Shel Silverstein, Ezra Jack Keats, Eric Carle…I’m the guy that gets to introduce my daughter to their work.  I can’t wait.  

3.  Zoo - I really dig animals.  After Amariah has seen all the Pixar flicks and is looking for something new, I’m going to feed her a healthy diet of David Attenborough narrated specials.  That can wait though, first I’m going to take her to see them live.  I LOVED going to the zoo as a child, and can’t wait to share my animal knowledge with my daughter as she sees each one for the first time.

 

2.  Church - Hearing my daughter’s little voice next to me as we worship?  Wow.  That will be hard to beat.  Unfortunately the church we go to now (while great) does not offer much for young children.  I’m confidant though, that if we stay in the area that I will be able to help get that ministry rocking by the time Amariah is talking.  

 

1.  Aquarium - Sharks.  I love them so much.  I learned to read on shark books.  I used to tape shark week when I was a kid.  Whenever I go to an aquarium I spend most of my time with my face pressed against the glass of a shark tank.  There are few things I’m more excited to share with Amariah than my love of sharks.  Even if she hates the majestic animals (please God, NO!) aquariums are still a rad place to hang out.

Pregnant Man – Is it Even My Baby?

I only have about 2 months left to write about what life is like on the verge of childbirth.  After that I will never again be able to know how it feels to have never held my child.  I also thought that the title was catchy, and may get me some free google search hits.  My goal in this post is not to offend all the people who have been so helpful during our pregnancy, but instead to point out how men can be ignored during the process.  

Here’s a weird thing about an expecting dad (Expecting Dad?  Can I call it E.D.?)  No one knows you are expecting!  Sure, when you stand next to your ever enlarging wife with a goofy grin on your face, most people get the picture.  However, when you’re by yourself, no one knows.  No touches your stomach at the grocery store, or asks you when you are due.  It’s sometimes even hard for the guy to remember he’s an E.D.  There’s nothing growing inside of us for starters. The same is true during a wedding engagement.  Everyone knows the woman is heading towards marriage because she has a massive cubic zirconium on her left hand.  The man has nothing.  Maybe that’s why so many men find it easy to leave commitments.  Nobody even knows they are committed.

Even when it is very clear that we’re working with an E.D. people have a hard time dealing with it.  I went to a baby shower with Deb yesterday.  Even though people knew I was coming, almost all of the gifts were addressed to my wife.  When it came time open the gifts, all the boxes and bags of baby gear were surrounding one rocking chair.  Why would the guy want to see what was being given to his daughter?  Were there any malicious intentions?  Not at all! I have known a number of the women my entire life and know they are excited to see me as a father.  I trust that all the women there know how important a father is in life of his child and want me to play an important role.  However, I think they have either gotten used to men not being involved or like that parenting is a secret girls club.  

Men are just as much to blame.  A few weeks ago, Deb went to someone else’s baby shower, while all the men hung out and ate hot dogs.  The goal of men spending time with a soon to be father was to “share advice.”  The only two pieces of advice that were shared are the only two most men will ever say, “Your wife will yell at you while she is delivering,” and, “you will never sleep again.”  Are they true?  Probably, but at the heart they are very self-centered and not that helpful.  Are any of these men, bad guys?  No, I’ve known many of them for years and would consider them to be good fathers.  Unfortunately, it seems that throughout their lives they have learned that the role of a father is not as important, or at the very least, it is role they don’t feel comfortable talking about.  There are plenty of ministries built around motherhood, but I’m not seeing many for their counterparts.  

Last week we went to our first child birth class.  Men were not referred to as husbands or fathers.  They are coaches.  A person, that be definition is a distant encourager.  Any government agencies we’ve looked into are focused on the mother and child.  The father is completely ignored.  I understand why those organizations are doing this.  America is continuing to allow the definition of family to change, and enough people have been sued that we’re left with an incredibly bland sense of fatherhood.  

All that to say, I think we are missing something.  As a culture, yes, but more importantly, as a church.  We all should know how important the role of a father is in the lives of their children.  We also see so many children that leave the church when they leave their homes.  We cry over effects, but won’t work on the causes.  Something needs to be done, and since there are not enough people doing it, expect to see something out of me in the near future.

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi – My Favorite?

Deb an I rounded out our Star Wars adventure by watching Return of the Jedi the other night.  Growing up, Return of the Jedi was always my favorite.  Jabba’s Palace, Sarlac fight, Boba Fett, Rancor fight, Speeder bike chase, and the epic space battle were all awesome.  I thought the conclusion was satisfying and that the Ewoks were pretty fun.  As I grew up, I learned that I can’t have that opinion.  Return of the Jedi is almost unanimously considered the weakest of the original trilogy.  Most fans think that the Ewoks ruined the film and that the entire entry was the first sign that George Lucas is a hack.

With that out of the way, what did I think of the film after this viewing?  I still think it’s great!  I love the Jabba bits, especially the epic fight out on the sand dunes.  I forgot how funny it was when the Ewoks think C-3PO is a god (why?)  The best part is how stubbornly he refused to help his soon to be cooked friends.  Throughout the films, I always thought it was genius how we got to know what R2-D2 and Chewbacca were saying, just through other people repeating their questions.  After three films, that technique should have gotten tired, but it kept working for me.  

Ewoks…the elephant has to come out of the closet.  Are they annoying?  A little bit.  At the very least they make the series a little more childish, especially coming off the darker Empire Strikes Back.  Many fans complain that the Ewok army would have no chance against the Emperor’s best forced armed with guns and AT-AT’s, blah, blah, blah…  In reality it provides a different type of battle to compliment the Ackbar-led space battle, and Luke/Anakin/Emperor force showdown.  Sure the Ewok battle was the weakest of the three, but I still found it enjoyable.  

The scene I actually liked the least is when the ghost of Obi-Wan visits Luke as he’s leaving Dagobah.  First of all, it just felt weird having a ghost sit on a log.  Ghosts should standing, having them sit just gives them too much physical presence.  Perhaps that was included just to distract us from why Obi-Wan was there at all.  His appearance was just a chance for him to explain why he said that Darth Vader killed Luke’s father (and making it clear that Lucas had no idea he was going to make Vader and Luke related).  The scene feels very shoe-horned in.  The only important information he passed to Luke (that Leia is his sister) would have been better delivered by Yoda.  Since I also have doubts to Leia being his sister, maybe Lucas thought it’s best to leave all the retconning for one character.  As much as Lucas likes to spread the idea that he knew what he was doing all along with the 6 episodes, he pulled a lot of it out of his butt each time he worked on a script.  

I noticed a few interesting dialogue moments by watching these three movies in the span of a week.  Of course, I know the famous Han Solo line from A New Hope, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”  I didn’t realize that Leia says it in Episode 5 and C-3PO says it in Episode 6.  After scanning the internet, I found out that the other 3 Star Wars entries have the line as well.  I am obviously not enough of a Star Wars nut to have already known that factoid.  In my last entry I talked about the classic (and personal favorite) lines, “I love you,” and “I know.”  I was reminded that that exchange is repeated in Return of the Jedi., expect that this time the roles were reversed.  

All in all, still a fun flick.  It’s not as good as Empire, but certainly beats the very weak New Hope.

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back – Still Sweet

A few days ago I wrote about how I didn’t enjoy Episode 4 of Star Wars as much as I had hoped I would.  I found almost every aspect of the film to be weak.  Despite those feelings, I ended the post hopeful.  Even though Lucas’ first shot may not be all that great, at least the sequel, The Empire Strikes Back still rocks.  With a little trepidation, Deb and I watched Episode 5, in hopes that I was still right about this one.  

For the most , it’s still a great movie, and far more enjoyable than it’s predecessor.  The characters were given greater definition, the action scenes were more thrilling, and the plot had some more going for it.  I loved how the film starts you right in the middle of the action.  It doesn’t explain why the rebel forces choose Hoth, or how Luke and Han were granted positions of leadership.  It allows you to figure that out on your own while the movie keeps moving forward.

Here’s something I always wondered:  Why does every planet in Star Wars just have one type of environment?  (Snow planet, jungle planet, desert planet, swamp planet, etc.)  Do they not have poles or equators?  Is every planet the exact same size as Earth?  There never seems to be any differences in gravity.  

Now on to Yoda.  (Beware, you are about to be hit with my Puppet Vs. CGI rant I’ve been spewing for years).  Does puppet Yoda look real?  Not really, his mouth doesn’t move and his walk is totally unnatural.  However, a puppet exists in physical space.  It casts a shadow, it cannot be walked through, and light hits it’s body naturally.  Because of all of those truths your mind thinks that it is real, even though it’s not.  The problem with CGI is that you know it’s not real, and your mind does nothing to to help you think otherwise.  That is why I’ve always felt the scenes with Yoda from the original trilogy are far better than any of his more recent screen appearances.  Even though Yoda is just a doll on Mark Hamill’s back when they are training, he feels far more like a real character than when he’s a glossy computer animation flying through the air.  

I complained about the dialogue in A New Hope, and while there are still some rough spots in the sequel, the verbal exchanges have improved significantly.  Like many nerdy men, one of my favorite scenes of all time is near the end of The Empire Strikes Back.  It’s only five words long, but expresses why every man wishes he could be Han Solo.  Princess Leia, realizes that she may never see the scruffy looking Nerf-herder that she has fallen for again, says, “I love you.”  Han Solo responds with, “I know.”

The ending is wonderful (although I’m sure it was torture for those in 1980, knowing that it would be 3 years until they got the resolution).  It leaves you with enough resolution to justify it being a complete movie (Lando is a good guy, C-3PO is put back together, and Luke gets a new hand), enough desperation to make you feel like there is still a lot at stake for the heroes (Han Solo is frozen and in the hands of a bounty hunter, Luke is the son of the arch villain, and the Rebel Forces are still outnumbered), and enough excitement for what’s to come next (Lando and Chewie off to the rescue, Luke continuing his Jedi training, and hints of “an other” from Yoda).